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DUKING DUKE
BY PETER KURTH (published 03.08.06)
“Look, I'm going to say it one
more time … We're a nation of law.
We adhere to laws. We have
laws on the books. You might look at
those laws, and they might provide comfort for you.” – George
W. Bush, 2004
Oh,
they do, George, they do. You can
just imagine the comfort I felt over the weekend, when I learned that
former U.S. Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham (R.-California) had
been sentenced to eight years and four months in prison for taking millions
of dollars in bribes and kickbacks while serving in the hallowed halls of
Congress. It’s always nice to
see a Republican in the slammer, even if there’s room for so many
more.
According
to The New York Times,
Cunningham’s sentence is “the longest ever handed down for a
member or former member of Congress in a federal corruption
case.” My
“comfort” on hearing this was so great that I almost forgot
about the war in Iraq, the pending war with Iran, the Dubai ports deal,
Hurricane Katrina, the mounting deficit, the shrinking dollar, global
warming, the Medicare drug scam, the torture of prisoners, the march of
nuclear non-proliferation with our new best friend, India, and the urgent
question of which gender-bending films or performances would sweep the
Oscars this year. (By the time you
read this, of course, we’ll know the answer to that last conundrum. But just as an aside – God forgive
me! -- that was one long
gay-cowboy movie.)
Anyhow,
ex-Rep. Cunningham, 64, is, or was, a Vietnam war hero, “a Naval
pilot ace and `Top Gun’ instructor,” as the Times describes him, “who
parlayed those experiences into a powerful political career” in the
suburbs of San Diego and won eight successive terms in Congress, along with
houses, yachts, cars, “gifts,” “a Tiffany statue,”
“Bijar rugs,” “rare antiques,” “candelabras”
and at least $2.4 million for favors he rendered to “defense
contractors.” None of these
“contractors,” as far as I know, is currently facing prison,
but, then, most of them aren’t as loud and … uh … emotional as Cunningham is.
“In
1992,” says a report in our own Barre-Montpelier
Times-Argus, Cunningham “suggested that liberal leaders in the
House should be `lined up and shot,’” later attacking Bill
Clinton as “a traitor to his country” and railing about the
presence of “homos” in the military. Even so, he hasn’t stopped crying,
blubbering and pleading for mercy since federal prosecutors caught his hand
in the till last summer. Now, while
invariably described as “disgraced,” Cunningham is also fully
repentant – are you surprised? – and
never-endingly “tearful” in his public appearances.
Really,
Cunningham’s just a tearful kind of guy. He wept when he resigned from Congress
last November. He wept on the floor
of the House three years earlier, when urging his fellow lawbreakers
– excuse me, lawmakers – to authorize Bush’s invasion of Iraq. He probably
weeps when he thinks about General Patton's automobiles, but it ain’t
goin’ down in court.
Coincident with his prison time, Cunningham’s been ordered to
pay more than $1.8 million in back taxes, penalties and interest, and a
couple million more in “forfeiture” of his ill-gotten
lucre. That would make any
congressman weep, n’est-ce pas? Especially if he’s the only one
who’s required to do it.
“I
rationalized decisions I knew were wrong,” Cunningham confessed on
Saturday, “in a halting, cracking voice,” as usual: “No man has ever been more sorry.”
He must have been flabbergasted when the judge didn’t buy it,
because an apology seems to work for every other “sorry”
specimen at that level of government -- and with so much money in play!
Hell,
most “defense contractors” don’t even have to say
they’re sorry to get what they want.
Witness the Pentagon’s recent decision to reimburse Kellogg
Brown & Root, a subsidiary of Vice President Dick Cheney’s
bombs-and-bullets emporium, Halliburton, for almost every penny it’s
bilked from the American taxpayer so far – specifically, $250 million
in “excessive,” “questionable” and
“unjustified” charges incurred in the
“reconstruction” of Iraq. Quoting
again from The New York Times:
“The
Army said in response to questions on Friday that questionable business
practices by the subsidiary, Kellogg Brown & Root, had in some cases
driven up the company's costs. But in the haste and peril of war, it had
largely done as well as could be expected…. Under the type of [no-bid]
contract awarded to the company, `the contractor is not required to perform
perfectly to be entitled to reimbursement.’”
Well,
why didn’t Cunningham think of that, instead of bawling his head off
when he lost his candelabras?
Can’t you just hear it?
“I’m sorry, Your Honor. You can question my questionable
practices all you want, but in the haste and peril of war I’m not
required to perform perfectly, and, god damn it, those Bijar rugs are
mine!”
Failing
that, Cunningham could have gone back to Vietnam, where “glam rock
star” Gary Glitter has just received a penal slap on the wrist for
sexually molesting two underage girls in Ho Chi Minh City. Glitter is expected to be out of jail by
Christmas. How? By paying $2000 apiece to the
girls’ families, along with court costs and “a further 10
million dong” – unfortunate term, but it amounts to about $850
– in punitive damages.
“Vietnamese
regulation stipulates compensation can reduce psychological damage,”
said the judge in the Glitter case, sounding just like a fortune
cookie. Now there’s a country
that understands justice, not to mention the haste and peril of war. Better luck next time, Duke.
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