RULES
GIRLS (November 1996)
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BY
PETER KURTH
Take
your mind off the gender wars for a minute and think about The Rules, Ellen
Fein and Sherrie Schneider's retro-bimbo guide to "Capturing the Heart of
Mr. Right." It's the number one book in
I
knew the soul thing wouldn't stick in this country -- it gets in the way of
making money. Snagging a mate, on the
other hand, is always popular and never more than now, when the bottom line is
what matters and American women, according to The Rules, "want
results."
"What
we are promising you is 'happily ever after,'" say Fein and
Schneider. "The purpose of The
Rules is to make Mr. Right obsessed with you by making yourself seem
unattainable. In plain language, we're
talking about playing hard to get!"
This
is the same approach Anne Boleyn took with Henry VIII, but never mind. The Rules are a list of 35 "proven"
techniques for duping the dope into marriage.
First,
you must "Be a Creature Unlike Any Other."
How you accomplish this and how you maintain it is your own business, but since
you're faking it to start with you won't have trouble with the Rules that
follow: "Don't Talk to a Man First."
"Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much." "Don't Call Him and
Rarely Return His Calls." "Don't Open Up Too Fast," etc.
The
warning about "opening up" is particularly stringent. A Rules Girl never goes beyond "Casual
Kissing on the First Date" (although she’s permitted to break up with
anyone who doesn't send her chocolates on Valentine's Day -- her pretended lack
of interest can extend only so far).
"To
call men is to pursue them," Fein and Schneider remark, "which is
totally against The Rules. They will
immediately know that you like them and possibly lose interest! Why take a
chance?"
If
they don't lose interest -- if the
mountain comes back to Mohammed -- a Rules Girl is advised to fall immediately
into worshipful mode: "Don't Tell Him What to Do."
"Let Him Take the Lead." "Don't Try to Change Him or Expect Him
to Change." Having been instructed to "Be Honest But
Mysterious," the Rules Girl will now "Be Easy to Live With," and
her Man will be so much in love with her that he will never sleep with his
secretary or pop her in the eye.
"You
don't have to worry about being battered" if this formula is observed, Fein
and Schneider insist, in a nod to political correctness. "Sure, he might wish you balanced your
checkbook, lost ten pounds, or cleaned the house more often, but he is not
seriously annoyed or upset about it."
Hedda Nussbaum in former times …
What
interests me about The Rules isn’t that women are buying it, but the kind of women who are buying it. By all reports, they're educated,
sophisticated, professional women with briefcases and condos, evidently so
lonely in the boardroom and so desperate to be married that they're willing to
pay not just the $5.99 The Rules will set them back, but up to $250
apiece for "private telephone consultations" with Fein and
Schneider. There are Rules Girls support
groups everywhere in the country. There
are mailing lists, seminars, and social events.
There is, presumably, still some confusion about the line between
"honesty" and "mystery," but there's no dispute about the
goal -- entrapment. What happens to a
Rules Girl when a man finds out how manipulative she is I don't want to know,
although I'll bet it gets atoned for with a dozen red roses and only looks like
violence to the unromantic.
It's
refreshing, I suppose, in an ugly way, to read a book that depicts marriage so
baldly for what it is: a business deal, a woman's ticket to
"security" through the existing power structure. By telling women that they're the queens in
this game, rather than its pawns, The Rules is only doing its job. But even Laurence Kirschbaum, CEO of Warner Books
and publisher of this evil junk, has reacted to the success of The Rules with
"great sadness."
"If
this is what relations between the sexes have come down to," Kirschbaum
says, "I think we're in trouble."
No
foolin'. I wonder if Kirschbaum would be
willing to forego his profits with women's dignity as collateral. Or how about a
counter-manual, The Rules in Reverse? "Call Him
Whenever You Want To." "Be Honest But
Truthful." "You Take the Lead." "Grab His Little
Willy On the First Encounter and Swing Him Over Your Head." "Don't
Swallow: When You're Done With Him, Spit Him
Out."
A
THOUGHT FOR THIS WEEK: Why do we need a bridge to the 21st century? Isn't it
coming whether we like it or not?