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WEATHER OR NOT …
BY PETER KURTH (published 11.01.06)
Hey, can we talk about the weather this week? I don’t
mean “global warming,” which people talk about a lot, even
though nothing seems to get done about it. I’m sure you, like
all of us, are doing everything in your power, in your little bitty way, to
prevent the looming calamity of climate change, such as switching your
light bulbs and walking 40 miles to work each day. But let’s
face it – until the whole screeching, screaming, over-producing,
mass-consuming culture of predatory capitalism comes crashing down around
us, this planet’s going to keep on heating up. And the best
thing I can say about that is that we’ll get to blame the
Chinese when we pass the tipping point, because they’re so incredibly
irresponsible with their greenhouse gas emissions. I mean, really
– is a booming economy worth that much?
Think about it.
Or, rather, don’t. When
I say I want to talk about the weather, I mean I want to talk about it the
way people do when they don’t want to talk about something
else. It’s like when they say, “How are you?”
And you say, “I’m fine.” And they say,
“Me, too.” It doesn’t mean a thing.
It’s just a way of talking about nothing, when, in fact, you’ve
probably got terrible things going on in your life. Let’s say
you’ve just lost your job, or run over a cat, or found your wife in
bed with another woman – your sister, maybe – and you’d
do anything, absolutely anything, to enter that state of
“denial” everyone tells you you’re already in if
you’re dumb enough to let things get beyond the “How are you?”
point.
Well, talking about the weather is the same as saying,
“I’m fine,” only better, because people are constantly
surprised by the weather. They really are. It doesn’t
matter how hot it is, or cold, or wet, or dry. It doesn’t
matter how old they are or how many times they’ve seen the sun rise and
the rain fall and the snow fly. It’s like sex scandals in Washington – everyone’s amazed that
such a thing could be happening. “Christ, it’s
cold!” they’ll say, or “Hot enough for you?” or
“Oh, will it ever stop raining?” – as if it never
had. They simply can’t believe it. It’s always
news to them. So talking about the weather is the very best thing to
avoid talking about something else.
Dick Cheney, for example. Nobody wants to talk about Dick Cheney, and if
you talk about the weather instead you’ll never have to do it. You won’t have to talk about Cheney’s response
last week to a right-wing radio host in North Dakota, who asked him, in reference to real or
imagined “terrorists” in American custody, if he thought
“a dunk in water is a no-brainer if it can save lives.”
Cheney answered, “Well, it’s a no-brainer for me,” and
wow! – did the winds blow hard after that! Why, things got so
bad that Cheney’s protégé, George W. Bush, actually got off his
rocking-horse and said, “This country doesn’t torture!”
Even though it does and everyone knows it does, and even though Bush has
already made it plain that he’s going to keep on torturing anyone he
wants, `cuz he’s the decider, see, the commander-in-chief, and
it’s his job to – well, you know the rest.
Anyway, Cheney never used the word “waterboarding.”
He absolutely did not! That word never came out of Dick
Cheney’s mouth! “You know as a matter of common sense
that the vice president of the United States is not going to be talking
about waterboarding,” said White House spokesman Tony Snow in his
effort to contain this particular, um, flood. “Never would,
never does, never will. You think Dick Cheney’s going to slip
up on something like this? No, come on.”
Right, come on! Dick Cheney only slips up when he has a shotgun
in his hand and too much bourbon in his belly down in quail country.
No one’s explained what was meant by “a dunk in water,”
of course – “A dunk in water is a dunk in water,” says
Snow – but I suspect it has something to do with tossing Muslims into
Guantánamo Bay and seeing if they can swim to Miami without getting eaten by sharks.
In hurricane season (you see what I mean about the weather?).
And it isn’t surprising that Cheney won’t talk about
waterboarding, because Cheney doesn’t talk about anything that
he’s secretly up to. He’s had this written into the
Constitution, I think. And Cheney’s wife, Lynn, never wrote a
steamy lesbian novel, either – “No,” she told Wolf
Blitzer on CNN, “not necessarily. This description is a lie.
I’ll stand on that” -- even though her steamy lesbian novel, Sisters,
contains passages like these: “Let us go away together, away
from the anger and the imperatives of men. … There will be only the
two of us … twin streams merging into a single river." But
there aren’t any “obscenities” in it, if you follow, not
like those filthy Democrats who write war novels that “demean
women.” No, Sir!
So trust me – the weather’s your best bet if you want to
avoid any topic of importance. Congressional elections coming up next
week? Who cares – we’ve had snow in October!
Homosexuals stampeding to New Jersey to get married (or whatever)? So
what – it gets dark these days at 4 pm! Iraq and all the Middle East exploding before your eyes? Get a
life – somewhere in the world it’s still hot and humid, even in
November. Now that’s obscene.
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